Friday marked the final day of the premiership of Justin Trudeau. He leaves under a cloud of near-unprecedented personal unpopularity. And, despite a smattering of early successes, such as legalized marijuana, his nine-year tenure saw a noticeable worsening of everything from crime to productivity to rent to health-care wait times. “This may be my last day here in this office, but I will always be boldly and unapologetically Canadian. My only ask is that no matter what the world throws at us, you always be the same,” he said in his last address as prime minister.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Monday
I never desired the burdens of office; they were all thrust upon me. Mine was to be a life of leisure and introspection. I’d deliver the occasional $10,000 speech about “My Father’s Vision of Canada” — and spend the rest of the year in enlightened contemplation at the exotic Caribbean island of my choice. And these excursions, I remind you, would be those of a private citizen, and not subject to the scrutiny of some busybody ethics commissioner.
So what was it all for? They pushed me into the spotlight, made me their king and now despise me for it. I did not misrepresent myself; I never claimed not to be an out-of-touch rich kid who speaks almost entirely in condescending platitudes. I still don’t entirely understand why everybody’s mad that I stayed in a $6,000 hotel suite once; I didn’t know there were other options.
Tuesday
I have never been a vindictive person, but I do feel the need to clear the air on a few people and institutions who have wronged me over the past nine years. Not to hyperbolize, but everything would have gone absolutely fine in every way without them and it’s all their fault. In no particular order …
Chrystia Freeland
Alberta
Women
The Assembly of First Nations
The Liberal Party of Canada
Mark Carney
The Hudson’s Bay Company, circa 1670 to 1821
Polling companies
Alberta (again)
Jagmeet Singh
Flightradar24 flight tracking app
Jody Wilson-Raybould
Jane Philpott
The Parliamentary Budget Officer
Quebec
The RCMP
Diagolon
Newtonian mechanics
Wednesday
If I am guilty of anything, it is that I showed Canadians a vision of what could be, and they were too fearful and tribalistic to embrace it. Sure, we can cast them as innocent victims of far-right propaganda; low-intelligence naifs who were led to believe that their selfish desires for affordable shelter and unstolen bikes were more important than the national welfare.
I have certainly learned something about ingratitude.
I have learned about criminals who were magnanimously given bail due to their marginalized identity, and ungratefully use the opportunity to commit more crimes. I have learned about temporary immigrants who would rather ungratefully steal cars than reap the benefits of some Brampton strip mall college like they were supposed to. I have learned there is apparently no end of dental benefits, grocery benefits, carbon rebates, rental subsidies and GST credits you can give someone, and they will still complain about “the cost of living.”
Thursday
A few more things that have wronged me …
Stage makeup in the colours Deep Ebony, Rich Cocoa and Olive Tan
Canadian citizens aged 18-59
Rudolf Diesel
George Washington
The First Council of Nicaea
The Westminster Parliamentary system
The English language
Friday
I have made peace with the idea that Canada will survive without me. Perhaps in a rump form, perhaps as a scarred landscape in which rivers burn and the air chokes — but it will be a Canada nonetheless. Perhaps this Canada will think to find their one last non-burning river and name it in my honour.
I have higher hopes for the longer term: In 1,000 years hence, perhaps a more evolved and enlightened people will have embraced all that I represented and championed. Maybe I was never meant to be exalted in this era. In the year 3025, when Canada is a nation of non-binary coders taking zero-emission high speed rail to their nightly anti-racist training, maybe then they will finally thank me.