A former spy has shared a tactic he’s used to forge a “trusting” bond with a complete stranger – and it only takes three things. But, in untrained hands, this “twisted” technique could backfire.
Neuroscientist and actress Mayim Bialik, famed for her role as Amy Farrah-Fowler on The Big Bang Theory, chatted with former CIA agent Andrew Bustamante on her podcast where he shared an espionage method for building fast connections.
He claimed that spies are taught this in order to take control of a conversation and manipulate how people feel easily. Bustamante said: “There’s a rule of thumb that the CIA teaches us – you are either in control or under control. There is no other option.
“Every day you have to choose whether to take control or not to take control and understand that, if you choose not to [take control], you’re giving control to someone else. If you want to be persuasive, first you need to understand that people don’t care about your point of view. But, people care very much that other people understand their own opinions.”
He described the technique as starting with two questions directed at the target followed by a “validating statement” that affirms how they might be feeling, reports the Daily Record. After going through the process once, Bustamante said you repeat the cycle.
He shared: “That process of asking questions and validating other people’s ideas subconsciously makes the other person think that you are like them.” It makes them feel like they are interesting and they are important and they are relevant.”
Those feelings will trigger a rush of dopamine to the brain – making people feel good. And, if you’ve played your hand right, that feeling is directly associated with being around you.
This effective technique, dubbed “informational superiority”, can be applied to various social situations, such as making an impression on new acquaintances, sparking a romantic connection or winning over supervisors at work. However, Andrew also highlighted the “twisted” aspect of this approach.
Following a demonstration of the technique with Mayim, he pointed out: “The twisted part here is I now know a great deal about you – but you still don’t know anything new about me from that process.” During his brief conversation with the podcast host, he managed to learn she was divorced, had two children, and discovered parts of her typical morning routine, but he revealed nothing about his own personal life in the process.
He explained that the technique works universally, as language barriers or age differences do not block it. It’s something that is deep-wired into how our brains work and react to certain stimuli, he claimed
But, he cautioned that those without proper training should avoid overusing this tactic. The ex-spy said it may hinder your ability to form “genuine relationships” with the people if they’re all built on this technique.