Rachael Shephard always had a deep love for babies, but when she decided to have her own she realised a startling reality had slipped her mind. These babies she loved so much would grow into small children.
Shephard said: “These little individuals, brought into the world with the sole intention of testing my patience with their audacious requests and knack for triggering all my irritations.”
Struggling with motherhood, she says that wine became her “superhero cape” to help her parent.
“Swooping in to save me from the pandemonium of bedtime negotiations and offering a peaceful respite following a dispute over absolute nonsense, such as why we don’t put the cat in the washing machine.
“I convinced myself that consuming wine was the cure-all for the trials of motherhood, and was an essential, if not obligatory, aspect of parenting. The only solution to ensure I could successfully tuck my two boys into bed each night, rather than listing them on Ebay.”
That is how she perceived her relationship with alcohol and motherhood, before she gave up drinking for good.
In her book she writes: “I’ve always been a heavy drinker. Growing up in Chester, in the north of England, I started drinking Hooch at the ripe age of 14.
“For many years, I was just a social drinker, not drinking every day and not feeling like alcohol was having a significant effect on my life. But I always drank to get drunk. Always. I never saw the point in just one drink, and I never found my ‘off’ switch.”
Shephard spent many boozy nights out, relishing the chaos and drama of overindulgence. Eventually, she decided wine wasn’t worth the effort.
“I loved getting so drunk that I would black out, vomit, or wake up in unfamiliar places with a pounding headache.
“My drinking came to a halt when I became pregnant with my first son, Arthur, in 2013. After he was born, I began to moderate my alcohol intake – not because I wanted to, but because waking up at 5am with a severe hangover was absolutely soul-crushing.”
Her second son Alfie was born in 2017, two months premature and tiny “like a bird that had fallen from its nest”.
“Alfie was a dream baby, sleeping through the night from the start and hardly ever crying. It was almost as if I didn’t have a second child, and my wine intake began to creep up.
“By the time Alfie was toddling around, I found myself reaching for the wine bottle several times a week. The issue was, I could never stop at just one glass.
“I’d always finish the bottle, not because I was addicted then, but because I saw no point in drinking unless I was going to get drunk. That was always my goal.”
In 2020 when Alfie was three and Arthur five, Shephard suffered a devastating loss. She lost her mother to an aortic dissection which came out of nowhere.
She said: “It was brutal. She was only 62, went out for a run and never came back after collapsing and dying. Overnight, I became a daily drinker, downing at least a bottle of wine every evening.
“By the next year, I had left my husband and found myself thrust into the role of a single mum. I coped the only way I knew how – by adding more wine to my nightly routine.”
By the middle of 2021, Shephard was in a terrible state. She said: “My days would begin with me hauling myself out of bed, feeling absolutely dreadful.
“Invariably, I’d end up shouting at my boys over some trivial clothing or food issue before we even managed to leave the house for the school run. I was constantly irritable, lacking patience and quick to lose my temper.”
Her relationship with motherhood was challenging, and she felt it was more something to endure than enjoy.
“The only time I found any enjoyment in being a mum was around 4pm when I could open a bottle of Pinot – a socially acceptable time that wouldn’t label me an alcoholic. As soon as I had my instant relaxation elixir, I was fine.”
In late 2021, Shephard experienced a turning point while on holiday.
“I began to show signs of physical dependency on alcohol. I was trembling.
“This hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking at my reflection in the mirror – eyes swollen, utterly exhausted, and filled with shame – I finally acknowledged what I’d been avoiding for years: I couldn’t continue living this way.”
She ditched the booze, sick of waking up feeling sick. She had expected a boost in her health but what took her by surprise was the “complete turnaround” in her experience of motherhood.
She said: “In my first month of sobriety, thoughts of wine were prevalent, yet being a mum became significantly easier almost instantly. It hadn’t dawned on me that my evasion of my children’s challenging behaviour was actually fuelling it.
“When I swapped my drinking time for playtime, their behaviour improved beyond measure. Who would have thought?”
Rather than pouring a drink at 4pm, she was playing and crafting with her kids and after just two weeks her patience had increased dramatically.
“Mornings became enjoyable as waking up without a hangover set a completely different tone for the day. There was no need to dull the pain of tantrums because they became far less frequent.
“The longer I remained sober, the better and easier life got. I had always viewed wine as the solution to the challenges of parenting, but it was the wine that was making motherhood feel so tough.
“Sobriety has made it so much easier that I don’t need a remedy, because quite simply, I love being a mum.”