A domestic abuse survivor has told the launch of a new police anti-misogyny campaign that domestic violence against women “never starts with a punch”.
Eva Komuves (48) who was left with serious facial injuries after her ex-partner assaulted her, said that abuse can start with microaggressions and sexist comments before becoming physical, and encouraged other victims of domestic violence to seek help.
She was addressing the launch of the PSNI’s new Power to Change campaign, which aims to encourage and empower men to address instances of sexism, harassment and unacceptable behaviour.
Ms Komuves told her story to an audience that included the First Minister Michelle O’Neill, Justice Minister Naomi Long, PSNI Chief Constable Jon Boutcher, support organisations and school students who had contributed to the new campaign.
“It never starts with a punch” – Domestic abuse survivor tells campaign launch
She revealed how much her life has changed in the time since she left her ex-partner.
“After an incident in 2023, I looked in the mirror and I saw a desperate woman staring back, her mouth covered in blood, her teeth hanging by threads,” Ms Komuves said.
“I could tell you, in brutal detail, how someone I called my love broke my jaw, pushed me to the ground and told me with chilling indifference that I had only myself to blame.
“The truth is, I didn’t acknowledge the warning signs or ask for help because I felt ashamed. I believed I was alone. I searched for reasons, questioning what I had done wrong to deserve such punishment.
“Now I know I should have never faced it alone. I should have asked for help, I should have reported the first incident to the police. I should have reached out to support organisations like Women’s Aid.
“Today, when I look in the mirror, I no longer see a broken woman. I see someone strong and valuable, a woman who found a way to reclaim her voice.”
The injuries suffered by Eva Komuves after she was attacked by her ex-partner in 2023 (Eva Komuves/PSNI/PA).
Ms Komuves met her ex-partner in 2019, and said they initially had an enjoyable relationship. However, things soon began to change.
“He continuously criticised my daily routine. He criticised my work, my appearance, the way I dressed, what I ate, when I ate, and even why I use social media.
“He dismissed my hobbies, like painting and making jewellery, as childish. He tried to control my social circle and who I could be friends with.
“Whenever I brought up issues about his behaviour, he accused me of attacking him, twisted my words, punished me by ignoring me or refusing to speak to me, except in public, where everything seemed fine.
“People still picture domestic abuse as constantly explosive, a nightmare behind closed doors every day. That’s not the case: it chips away at you.
“It’s uncertain whether or not they will be in a good mood or a bad mood, if they really love you or if they don’t. I found myself questioning: does he hate women or or does he just hate me?”
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Ms Komuves’ ex first physically assaulted her in June 2021, pushing her to the ground and punching her in the face.
She had to go to hospital for treatment to a broken nose, and his violent and controlling actions continued to escalate.
“The day after, he went back to the nice guy, and made an effort in the short term, but it never lasted.
“The mind games never stopped. He would say something hurtful or misogynistic, and then after that he said, ‘I was just joking’.
“It never starts with a punch. It starts with sexist jokes, misogynistic degrading comments or behaviours.”
First Minister Michelle O’Neill at the event
The most serious, and final, assault was in August 2023, when he broke her palate, fractured her jaw and knocked out several teeth.
Ms Komuves underwent several operations, and has had to receive extensive, ongoing dental work to repair the damage. While she recovered in hospital, she received support from the PSNI and charities.
When a Women’s Aid volunteer explained the cycle of coercive control to her, she began crying as she realised its relevance to her life.
Her ex is currently awaiting sentencing, and Ms Komuves has resolved to help more women escape violence.
“Unfortunately, my story is far from unique. In Northern Ireland, too many women and girls have suffered terribly at the hands of men,” she said.
“Many others have faced harassment on the street or in the workplace or being subject to sexist jokes. These behaviours tend to go unchallenged because we rationalise as a society that they are not committing a crime.
“The lad culture in Northern Ireland is accepted and it shouldn’t be. It only fuels the confidence that misogynistic men have to further their negative behaviours towards women and girls. And I’m speaking from experience.”
After the event, Ms Komuves said it was “essential to educate boys at an early age”.
“If someone grows up in an abusive environment, he passes it on. He sees how his dad behaves and that’s how he’s going to behave with girls.
“It’s essential to educate boys from a very early age on how to treat women. It’s essential to talk about how their behaviour feels to others around them so that they don’t follow the crowd, so they are going to be brave enough and be the voice of women and girls.”
Eva Komuves
Ms Komuves also spoke of the importance of friends in supporting her. A number of them accompanied her to Wednesday’s event, where she shared a long hug with a friend after her speech.
While she was recovering in hospital in 2023, her friends removed all of her ex-partner’s belongings from her home before she returned so she “didn’t have to deal with the emotion of seeing it or packing it up”.
“Plus, they had a rota for watching a movie with me. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday; every day they were there, 24/7 they were with me. With women, we support each other.”