This week saw a faction of dissident Liberal MPs present Prime Minister Justin Trudeau with a secret petition that reportedly called for his resignation. Despite early rumours that it was signed by as many as 30 MPs, the final document ended up being purged of any signatories. It also reportedly focused heavily on Trudeau’s accomplishments as prime minister, before framing the request not as an expression of the will of his caucus — but as a message from their constituents.
This is normally where you’d find Dear Diary, the National Post weekly feature satirically re-imagining a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week we’re doing something a little different: The imagined text of the “oust Trudeau” petition.
A PETITION, to the Right Honourable Justin Trudeau, Redeemer of Canada, Sworn Protector of the Climate and Environment, Defender of Reconciliation, Bringer of Equity, Shepherd of Diversity.
Dated this October the 23rd, Trudeau 11 (2024 A.D.).
WHEREAS Canada has entered sunlit uplands of peace, prosperity and brotherhood under your sage and steady steerage.
WHEREAS Illuminated by your enlightened counsel, Canada has been born again and emancipated from a dark and tyrannical past unmatched in the annals of human cruelty.
WHEREAS Canada, and Canada alone, stands as a bulwark against the anthropogenic destruction of the natural world and the extinction of all life on Earth.
WHEREAS The members of this party did not know worthy human lives before your accession, and existed in an endless firmament of defeat and ignominy.
WHEREAS Our devotion remains total and unswerving, our hearts beating as one in common solicitude.
WHEREAS Our program is perfect, our orthodoxy without fault, your virtue supernatural.
WHEREAS All that came before is unspeakable ruin.
We, the undesigned, call on your preeminence to heed our humble entreaties that the electoral situation has developed not necessarily to our advantage.
This much is clear: Your devoted service to a grateful nation is beyond reproach. You are our maestro, our demiurge, our almighty: In all things you have striven only for the common happiness of all peoples, and the deliverance of our nation from humiliation.
Our gratitude defies corporeal boundaries. No quantity of exaltation is too much. No plaudit is over-broad. Should the assembled peoples of this nation labour for 1,000 years in paeans to your magnificence, it would represent but a nanoscopic scintilla of the acclamation that is rightly yours.
As such, it causes us deep and irremediable pain in begging your forbearance to consider that our unqualified confidence in your ministry may not be wholly shared by our constituents.
The forces of evil are arrayed against us like never before. Where we Liberals see uncountable triumphs, our enemies hear only a clarion call to seek our destruction. With each new glory, their rage grows. With each new step towards Eden, the greater their lust to return this country to an abyss of perdition and ruin.
The people are weak. They are impulsive, naïve and at the mercy of primitive impulses. They cannot hold out against this darkness.
We see but one path to salvation: You must accede to a new plane of leadership over your people. You must assume a position of authority unmoored by the quotidian demands of human governance. You must become a prime minister of the sublime; a guiding and unchanging beacon in the cosmos.
We are not asking for your resignation. We are asking you to assume your rightful place as an ethereal lodestar in the hopes and dreams of your people, rather than a physical one. To transcend your mortal office and assume the eternal leadership of this nation.
The limits of what you can achieve as an earthly head of government have been met. They are perfect. You must now become the prime minister of righteousness, the leader of all virtue, the unerring and martyred symbol of a people who forsook your message. Only in your sacrifice can this nation be cleansed of sin.
Most affectionately yours,
[SIGNATORIES DELETED]