This week saw rumours leak out that a cohort of dissatisfied Liberals was very carefully seeking the resignation of their leader, Justin Trudeau, before the next election. Their names have not been made public, their motives are shrouded in secrecy, but they have reportedly drafted a petition signed by as many as 20 MPs calling on Trudeau to step aside for the good of the party.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of one of the Liberal plotters.
Monday
How to stage a coup? Is it nobler to endure the slings and arrows of catastrophic defeat, or to rage against its course? To die, to sleep; to “spend more time with one’s family” rather than bear the whips and scorns of a doomed bid for re-election?
The Liberal program is perfect: Canada’s economy is a roaring juggernaut that sweeps all before it. Our cities are models of order and equanimity. Our social services are the envy of a savage world.
Our only problem is an irrational public dissatisfaction with our leader. We can rage against the staggering ingratitude this represents. Or, we can ask our leader to do what he’s always done best; sacrifice himself for the greater good.
Tuesday
If I am to stir this caucus from its noble tradition of patriotic and unquestioning deference, it is all about the wording of my petition. We must gratefully acknowledge the gains made, while gently suggesting a new path.
“Whereas Canada has been brought from despair into the eternal sunlight of inclusivity and fairness. And whereas far-right misinformation has inspired a temporary mass hysteria in which the gains of this benevolent metamorphosis are not recognized or appreciated. And whereas the course of the next federal election may not necessarily be to our advantage. We humbly and meekly suggest that the Rt. Hon. Justin Trudeau be perchance given deserved relief of his selfless burden for the nation and its people.”
Wednesday
I didn’t expect my task to be easy. We all know that democracy and inclusivity thrives best under unquestioning allegiance to a single man, so I’m aware I am asking my party to enter dangerous and potentially irreversible territory. We all remember the decade of darkness that enshrouded this country when the December traitors forsook Jean Chrétien, peace be upon him.
My plan is different! I am not urging betrayal; I am saying that our Great Helmsman is wearied, unjustly forsaken by the people he loves, and must entrust his message to his loyal disciples lest it perish.
But alas, a mere handful of signatories, many of them rendered illegible by the signers’ shaking hands.
Thursday
My Nissan Leaf didn’t start this morning. Although I distinctly remember plugging it in, the batteries were at two per cent and my fob was yielding only dashboard error messages of “key not recognized.” A small inconvenience, but obviously an unfortunate accident. My debit card was then rejected while I was trying to pay for coffee. Likely a clerical error, and I fortunately had cash on me.
I checked my email to see that all my committee positions have been reassigned, I’m no longer allowed to stand up during question period and my House of Commons seat has been moved so that I’m now next to Elizabeth May. My phone then suddenly lit up with a barrage of resignation texts from my staffers — and then the power to my office was cut.
Terrible luck, to be sure. I crossed the hall to commiserate with a fellow signatory, but found naught but an empty office and a note saying that she’s resigned her seat to take up an exciting new position as Canadian consul to Pitcairn Island.
Friday
You know what? Maybe we will win the next election. Trudeau is not my enemy; he is not the party’s enemy. He is a colossus bestriding the world! The rock against which the far-right hordes have dashed themselves in vain.
O cruel, needless misunderstanding! This is not the time for petitions, for infighting. It is a time for unity, as it always has been.
It is all right. Everything is all right. I love Justin Trudeau.