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Once upon a time, Prince Rogers Nelson – better known as Prince – asked a question that lingers on the airwaves decades later.
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“If I were your girlfriend, would you remember to tell me all the things you forgot when I was your man?”
In his 1987 song, If I Was Your Girlfriend, Prince imagines a world where he and his lover share the complex emotional intimacy often found in female friendships. He ponders: Would she confide in him as with her girlfriends? Would she let him into this sacred circle of vulnerability and trust?
Nearly 40 years later, the song still rings true. As women, we often turn to our girlfriends for the heartfelt connection and emotional support that isn’t always present in our romantic lives. But what if more men were curious about the inner workings of female friendships? What if, instead of seeing them as something mysterious and separate, they saw female friendship as a roadmap for fulfilling romantic partnerships? Would this change our love lives for the better?
Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, an LMFT and relationship expert at the dating app, Hily, thinks so. “By understanding the positive aspects of female friendships, men can gain valuable insights to enrich their relationships, romantic or otherwise.”
In an email, Cohen shared a few secrets from female friendships that can help men become better partners and build more satisfying romantic connections.
Practice active listening
As Prince alludes to in his song, there’s a stereotype that women tell their friends everything, and it’s not entirely wrong.
According to the Survey Center of American Life, 39% percent of unmarried single women go to their friends first when they have a personal problem. That’s because women tend to be good listeners, whereas men focus more on problem-solving, explains Cohen.
She says, “Being solution-focused can be an incredible skill. However, there is just as much value in our loved ones providing us with a safe space to share or vent.”
Being a good friend or partner requires both.
In the quest to become better partners, Cohen encourages men to hone their active listening skills. Instead of going into problem-solving mode, “pay attention to the verbal and nonverbal cues people share, and ask follow-up questions. This helps to make the speaker feel seen, heard, and, most importantly, understood,” says Cohen. If you’re unsure what your partner needs from you, it never hurts to ask, “Do you need to vent, or are you looking for a solution?”
Be your partner’s number one fan
Our female friends aren’t just a sounding board and a source of comfort when things are falling apart – they are also our biggest cheerleaders when we accomplish our goals. Cohen says it’s healthy for men to channel this.
“Sometimes, you need to be a fanboy for your girlfriend when you are proud of her. Sharing happiness gives us power and uplifts us,” she says.
Healthy female friendship is when you can genuinely support each other without being threatened by the other’s success or happiness. Cohen says the same is valid for romance. She says, “create and keep a place where your loved ones can share their joys without jealousy, devaluing, or negativity. When they come to share their victories with you, center their joy.”
If it’s important to them, support them. “And if it makes them happy, be happy with them,” says Cohen.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
One of the reasons we turn to our girlfriends first is that our relationships are built on a two-way street of vulnerability. As Cohen explains, there’s a common expectation that women can have deep emotional connections with friends and lovers, but men are more stoic.
“Don’t let such stereotypes stop you from opening up,” she says.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with our partners gives them a chance to know our authentic selves.
“When we go beyond the surface-level talk and learn what makes people tick, we build the emotional intimacy that can significantly enhance our well-being,” says Cohen.
If you struggle with opening up to your partner, enlisting a therapist can help you work through stumbling blocks and improve your communication skills. It’s not about changing who you are but adding another tool to your toolbox – and it’s worth it if it means a deeper connection with your partner.
As Cohen reminds us, “Our goal isn’t to pit men against women but to learn from each other’s strengths.”