A traumatised woman has shared the harrowing reality of being with both her parents and mother and father-in-law in their final days. Vicky, now 50, did everything she could to make her relatives comfortable but she is still haunted by their last moments and believes emphatically that the UK”s assisted dying bill should become law. “People joke about it – don’t let me end up like that’ – but when you’ve actually seen it happen, it’s not funny. My mother-in-law begged to go. She begged. And I stood there, powerless,” she said.
“If you’ve never watched someone die slowly, painfully, against their will, you don’t get to have an opinion. The NHS is under enormous pressure already, and yet they’re forced to keep people alive who don’t want to be. That time, those resources, could go to people who actually want to live.”
Vicky lost her father-in-law first. At 80, he was still active and full of life when he suddenly fell ill just a week after his birthday. “He died in my arms on my daughter’s 13th birthday,” she said. “My mother-in-law was screaming at me to do something, to save him. The fear of failing to resuscitate him, the desperation in everyone’s eyes – it was unbearable.”
Her mother-in-law was diagnosed with vaginal cancer shortly afterwards. “She started out strong, but delays in treatment – appointments being cancelled, radiotherapy machines breaking down – meant the cancer spread. The last six months of her life were agonising.
“She was in excruciating pain, her body wasting away before my eyes. The smell of cancer is something I will never forget. I prayed for her passing – so did she. When she finally thanked me before she died, I knew she was ready to go.”
Tragically, Vicky’s mum was then diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery and made a remarkable recovery. But fate was to deal a cruel blow; two years later she developed an abdominal hernia that required surgery.
“It should have been a routine procedure,” Vicky, who lives in Manchester, said. “But I truly believe the surgeon nicked her bowel. She developed sepsis and fought hard, but in the end, she lost.” Nothing could have prepared her for that moment.
“I will never forget the look of fear on her face when they told her they were putting her on a ventilator. It was the only time I ever lied to her – I told her she would be ok. But she wasn’t’. Her dad fell ill just two months later.
“He had nothing wrong with him – nothing,” she said. “Then he caught a cold, and it went to his chest. The doctor recommended he be admitted to hospital, and before we knew it, he was on a ventilator, just like my mum.” His lungs couldn’t take the strain.
“One collapsed a week later, and that was it. In my honest opinion, he died of a broken heart. He couldn’t live without my mum.” Vicky and her family were living in Johannesburg, South Africa, but after such loss they decided to move to the UK for a fresh start.
But the consequences of grief have been far-reaching and each death has taken its toll in a different way. “My father-in-law went quickly, but that didn’t make it easier,” VIcky said. “With my mother-in-law, I felt completely helpless, watching her body turn to skin and bone.
“The most harrowing were my parents. They both died alone in hospital. I got those dreaded 1am calls, rushing to be by their sides, only for the same thing to happen the next day. It was mentally exhausting. I dreaded the phone ringing.”
Some moments will never leave her. “My dad was briefly brought out of sedation so I could speak to him. He just looked at me, then at my husband, as if to say, ‘Take care of her.’ A tear rolled down his cheek, and I knew – right then – was going to lose him. It shattered me.”
Vicky knows that she is not the same woman as she was before. “I’ve become harder. My sister, on the other hand, is traumatised beyond words. I’ve seen death up close too many times. A little part of you dies every time you experience that kind of trauma,” she said
Her experience has shaped her view on assisted dying and, when asked, she believes both her parents would have made that choice. “Absolutely,” she said. “Losing control of your body is bad enough, but being in excruciating pain with no way out? It’s cruel – not just for them, but for everyone around them. Watching someone you love suffer is torture.”
The UK’s stance on assisted dying frustrates her. “People say, ‘It’s playing God.’ But what about when doctors keep someone alive who is begging to die? Isn’t that playing God too? I think it should be a choice. There need to be safeguards, of course, to prevent abuse. But the process shouldn’t take forever or cost a fortune – because most people who need it don’t have that kind of time.”
Looking at places like Switzerland, where assisted dying is legal, Vicky sees a system that works. “They say the Swiss are some of the happiest people in the world, and I believe it. They know they won’t have to suffer unnecessarily. Meanwhile, in the UK, people are left to die in the most horrific ways. Families are traumatised, medical resources are stretched, and for what? A refusal to acknowledge that dying with dignity is a basic human right?”
She’s spoken to her own family about what she wants. “I’ve made it very clear—I will not be a burden. If it ever comes to it, I want the option to go on my own terms. My loved ones know my story. But unless you’ve lived it, you can’t truly understand it.”
To those who oppose legalising assisted dying, she has just one thing to say. “Wait until you’re in that position. Then we’ll see if you still feel the same way.”