Of late, Canadian politics has descended into an arms race over who can promise the most extravagant response to the threat of 25 per cent tariffs imposed by the administration of U.S. President Donald Trump.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is promising “dollar for dollar” retaliation. Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Anthony Furey is demanding “COVID-style” deficit-spending. Liberal leadership candidate Chrystia Freeland is calling for Canada to head up the establishment of an anti-American coalition comprising “Mexico, Denmark, Panama and the EU.”
All the while, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith is showing off her new “Interdiction Patrol Team” and inviting the Americans to build a military base wherever they want in the Canadian Arctic.
This is normally where you would read Dear Diary, the National Post’s weekly dive inside the imagined thoughts of a newsmaker. Instead, Tristin Hopper has compiled the below list of unhinged tariff response ideas that, given current trends, may soon be entering the political mainstream.
Order Ryan Reynolds to defame American directors until free trade is restored.
Spend 10 years relentlessly kneecapping the Canadian economy for no reason to show Trump we’re not scared of him.
Politely suggest that the U.S. may have confused us with China. Say that although both countries start with the letter C, China is the one seeking to destroy American hegemony via economic means, and we’re just an obsequious neighbour who sells them raw materials.
As a gesture of fealty to American continental supremacy, immediately adopt the U.S. Constitution as Canadian law. Uphold it about as loosely as our existing constitution so there’s no material change.
Volunteer an honour guard of Mounties to serve alongside the Secret Service. Force them to wear red serge if Trump asks.
Offer to pillory a Trudeau at Mar-a-Lago if the tariff threats stop, but don’t specify which one.
Put sugar in the crude oil so all the U.S. refineries seize up.
Instead of shutting off Canadian electricity exports, export too much electricity so that their toast burns and the coffee is too hot.
Send Trump a bentwood box filled with smoked salmon as a gesture of goodwill. When he opens it, it’s just filled with bees.
Threaten to have Jeremy Hansen suffer from excessive flatulence for the entirety of the Artemis II mission.
The “I know you are, but what am I?” strategy. Counter every security and trade demand from the Trump White House with “I know you are, but what am I?” Alternatively, instruct diplomats to parrot back every sentence uttered by their U.S. counterparts, up to and including “stop copying me.”
Invent a cheap edible oil made from rapeseed. Export oceans of it to the U.S. so that everyone gets fat.
Find the Yukon brothel once run by Donald Trump’s grandfather, declare the land as sovereign U.S. soil, erect a massive golden “T” on it as a token of eternal friendship.
Shamelessly throw Mexico under the bus. Say all the fentanyl labs and illegal migrants were their idea and we tried to stop them.
Secretly sabotage Canadian auto parts manufacturing so that American cars all end up being crappy and unreliable.
Sanction the export of Elon Musk romantic partners.
Appease the White House by picking an impressive-sounding landscape feature and naming it after Trump. Maybe that exposed coal seam in the Northwest Territories that’s always on fire.
Crash the U.S. timber industry by giving every American a coupon for bottomless free softwood lumber.
Pledge to kill all the Canadian Geese following their summer migration, thus depriving the Americans of their majestic presence each winter.
Find a few more Canada-based terror fronts to designate as terror entities before swiftly doing absolutely nothing about it.
Raise Jordan Peterson’s voice a semitone higher so that only dogs and dolphins can hear his insightful discourses against post-modernism.
If all else fails, take serious, sustained action to combat money-laundering, rampant drug trafficking, domestic extremism and unchecked migration.