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It was the spring of 1991, but I remember it like it was yesterday – the shocking sting of my bra elastic against my skin after a boy snapped it through my T-shirt.
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On MuchMusic, Madonna was singing about sexual empowerment and how we shouldn’t “settle for second best,” but this experience felt anything but empowering. Instead, I felt humiliated and violated. I was 12 years old. It was the first time I was treated like a sex object, but certainly not the last.
My experience is all too common. As women, we’re conditioned to be sexy but never sexual. To be looked at but never be the looker. But what would happen if we dismantled all this and stepped into our authentic desires?
It’s a question explored in depth in the new book Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject by Suzannah Weiss. An AASECT-certified sex educator and resident sexologist at Biird, Weiss invites readers to shift their perspective and become active participants in their sexual desires.
“The book is about how to be a sexual subject instead of an object,” explains Weiss over Zoom. From growing up with the belief that women’s bodies are there for male pleasure to visiting clothing-optional resorts, sex parties, and masturbation clubs, the book traces Weiss’ journey as she unpacks societal messages and learns to embrace pleasure on her terms. “It’s about realizing that our bodies can belong to us and that our lives can, too,” she adds.
With Subjectified, Weiss looks to dismantle common myths – for example, that women are less visual and less desiring of sex than men – while creating a space for women to explore what they desire. “We often think of men doing things to women instead of women doing things for themselves,” Weiss says. “This book aims to open up possibilities for women to have sex lives—and lives—that are truly their own.”
For those looking to reclaim their sexuality, Weiss has actionable tips:
1. Tune into your body.
Many of us have internalized societal expectations about how much and what kind of sex we should be having. Instead, Weiss suggests people practice embodied consent – tuning into the body to discover what excites them or causes discomfort.
She suggests practicing this in non-sexual situations – for example, eating ice cream versus going to the dentist. How does your body feel when you think of either option? She says, “That’s how you start to recognize the yes and no.”
Weiss also encourages pauses during sexual encounters to ask oneself, “Do I want this? Is there something I want more?” If something is a maybe, it’s probably a no – and there might be something else you desire instead.
2. Use self-pleasure to discover your “yes”
“You can’t say no if you don’t have a strong yes,” says Weiss. Use masturbation to discover what pleases you and turns you on. This allows you to communicate and advocate for your desires with a partner instead of just responding to theirs.
3. Say no to anything or anyone you’re not excited about.
Society often pressures women to gauge a mate’s suitability based on what looks good on paper – career, finances, and status as a “good guy” – over genuine attraction. Weiss challenges this notion and encourages women to say no to people and sex they’re not excited about.
Even if you’re in the heat of the moment, she suggests proposing alternatives you are excited about. This could be as simple as saying, “No, I don’t want you to touch my breasts, but I do want you to kiss my neck.” Weiss says, “Any decent partner wants to please you.” Communicating your desires gives them a road map.
4. Say yes to what – and who – excites you.
Honoring your “yes” and taking the lead is empowering. “There are studies showing women who make the first move, who send the first message, end up with more attractive partners, and are happier with their sex lives and relationships,” says Weiss. She adds, “So, don’t wait, get out there!”
At its core, Weiss’ book inspires women to sit in the driver’s seat of their sex life and chart their course. Her advice is both straightforward and profound. She says, “Don’t just receive whoever’s coming to you. Go and pursue what you want.”