Registered nurse Julie McFadden has grown to fame online under the moniker Nurse Julie, using her job as an end of life nurse to help spread awareness and get people talking about the taboo subjects she sees countless patients avoid until it’s far too late. Before turning to hospice care, Nurse Julie worked in the ICU for years facing much more sudden and unexpected deaths.
While the professional shares a number of insights and advice on her social media, she has one big lesson she hopes people take to heart: “After spending many years in the ICU and hospice where I faced death nearly daily, I’ve seen how critical it is for families to discuss end-of-life topics sooner rather than later. These conversations can be hard, and messy and we might not do them “perfect” and that’s okay.
“Just by starting the conversation, you let your loved ones know that you are open for the conversation when they are.” This can include insights on how you might want your final days to look or how you’d like loved ones to handle dreaded decisions like funeral plans.
While there’s no manual for tackling these major conversations, Nurse Julie joined forces with Afterall to share five easy steps to start with. The first of which is choosing a good time and place to ensure both you and your loved ones are comfortable, the nurse warned: “Don’t just bring it up as you’re out and about.”
The second step is a psychological method, by making the other person feel like they’re being helpful can make them more likely to not just cooperate but also be more open and honest in all of their answers. For example, instead of asking your mum what hymns she wants at her funeral, try: “Mom, can you help with something? I know you’re doing OK right now, but in the future, if something were to happen, I’d like to get plans in place. These plans will make it easier for me to know how to best care for you.”
A different way to start the conversation can also be sharing your own plans, values and decisions you’d want your loved ones to make during your final days or after you’re gone. This can ensure not just that your wishes are fulfilled but also make the other person a bit more comfortable sharing their desires too.
It’s also important to remember, in what can be particularly isolating circumstances and conversations like these, that you and your loved ones aren’t alone. There is an entire industry built around death with a host of experts that can help, from estate planners to handle the finances to funeral advisors.
Finally, the nurse warned: “Lastly, once the conversation is started, there are a myriad of things to talk about. Consider funeral home planning, advance directives, obituary writing and always remember to LISTEN and respect what your loved one wants. “