When John Junior’s dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 2018, it hit him hard. Floored by grief, John started drinking and taking cocaine daily. By the time lockdown hit, John had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, he was self-harming regularly and planning his own death.
“I was feeling trapped and isolated, physically hurting myself to cope with the emotional pain and then feeling guilty and shameful afterwards. I would drink excessively – eight shots, five pints and loads of cocktails in a short time – to escape how I was feeling. I couldn’t sleep and I would binge eat Domino’s pizza, Ben and Jerry’s ice creams, biscuits, cakes. I would stay in my bed, not brushing my teeth and feeling like a tramp most days.
“It was like living in hell. I felt hopelessness and despair and like nothing was ever going to get better. I felt that the pain was too much inside for me to handle and there was no point in living any more’, John, from Manchester, remembers. Not wanting to burden others, he isolated himself and didn’t tell his loved ones what was going on, all the while planning to end his life.
“I was literally thirty minutes away from suicide and the TV was on in the background with Hollyoaks on, and there was a storyline about Kyle taking his own life. The police came to the door to tell Nancy, and I imagined that that would happen with my mum if did the same. It switched something inside my head.
He then decided he needed to start seeing people again and taking his stuffed duck Charlie with him, he went out into his hometown of Manchester. John, 36, had bought Charlie on impulse and kept him at the back of his wardrobe, until his dad died and he started cuddling it for comfort. When he took Charlie out for hot chocolate into town one evening in November 2019, people started to approach him, asking for selfies with the duck and requesting cuddles. Charlie was such an icebreaker that John decided to use him to raise awareness about mental health.
“We started visiting shops, cafes and restaurants to spread joy. When people see him, they start smiling and that releases feel good chemicals in the brain and they instantly feel better. It starts a conversation and people open up and share how they are feeling. We’ve even chatted to people from all walks of life who are thinking about suicide.
“If someone shares that with me, we go and visit them and try and help them. We meet wherever they are, or we meet at a coffee shop or hire a hot desk somewhere in an office to have a chat, go get their favourite snacks, and just talking about my own experiences helps them feel less alone. Charlie distracts them, then they start to feel better and then we signpost to charities, or support services. Many people are on waiting lists and feel hopeless so we bridge that gap, meeting them regularly and offering them something quicker. We’ve spoken to 1,600 face to face, but millions online through social media.
“We’re facing a mental health crisis in the UK and people are unable to get the basic help they need. There is a lack of funding, resources, stigma and discrimination. The system is at breaking point. People are waiting years for a diagnosis or for therapy.”
John said: “I feel much better now and it is an amazing feeling to be able to help others.”
You can contact The Samaritans any time, day or night, if you need someone to talk to. Call 116 123 from any phone free