There may be no more eloquent athlete to describe the depth of despair of being forced to withdraw from the Olympic Games than Portaferry runner Ciara Mageean.
The killer downside is, of course, that it happened to her in the first place. Over three months since chronic Achilles issues thieved her dream of competing in a third Olympics on the eve of her 1,500m heat in Paris, Mageean has been working her way through the loss.
The 2024 European gold medallist has been on intimate terms with grief in the past. She went through it when her grandmother passed away. She went through it when her former coach Jerry Kiernan died. And grief sums up her feelings over the past few months.
“It always feels kind of crass to compare sport to that, but it quite often gives you the same emotions. It was a grief to have the loss of a dream. It’s my life’s work and it’s everything that I’ve put all of my energy into, but also all of those people around me have put their lives and [other] things on pause and on hold to pursue my dreams,” Mageean said before the National Athletics Awards in Santry.
“It really is a grieving cycle. It’s a loss, the loss of a dream and having to come to that realisation really quickly and so publicly, to have to feel that you need to talk about it … it’s probably one of the reasons why I needed a little bit of a gap and a bit of space because I couldn’t have coherently put a sentence together to tell you remotely how I felt.
“I’ll be honest; I didn’t know how I felt. I just felt numb. It wasn’t even sadness, it was just emptiness. I didn’t know how to feel.
“For the people that are going through that, you just need to take another step forward and reach out for the help when you need it, because in those moments I felt like I was drowning.
“That it was just a void. But a few people were my rocks that I could clamber on to, and just keep me afloat, and I’m very fortunate to have had them.”
Mageean has been running in pain for over eight years with her Achilles “a ticking timebomb.” But even before her injury-enforced withdrawal, she says she always planned on going for LA 2028, even if some — like her dad, she reveals — thought that she would retire post-Paris.
“I definitely had LA in my sights. I have certainly chatted to other athletes in the past who approached Olympic Games knowing it was going to be their last. Whereas I knew I’ve been on an upward tangent for the past few years so I was definitely aiming not to retire after this Olympic Games.”
And just like there was a special attachment with winning gold at last summer’s European Championships in Italy, a country Kiernan loved, she says her focus will be on LA, the city Jerry competed in as an Olympian.
And “Ciara 3.0” is how she’s describing this new phase.
After surgery on her left Achilles a decade ago, she’s undergone surgery on her right Achilles and says her “rehab is going in the right direction”.
Six months is the expected timeframe before she can run again and she’s eyeing up her major return at the World Championships next September.
It’s a new chapter too because of the changes Mageean has made. After being based in Manchester for seven years, where she trained with the Team New Balance group and was coached by Helen Clitheroe since 2022, Mageean has “cut ties” with that training set-up.
Along with her partner Thomas Moran, she has moved to Belfast, deciding to be “at the head of the ship” when it comes to her coaching, and she hopes to build a team around her.
Athletics coach Mark Kirk is set to work with her as a mentor and she’ll run with his training group in Belfast when she recovers. Her boyfriend is also set to help her with coaching.
“Thomas was a fantastic help throughout the whole summer and in previous years, and it’s a lot of pressure to take that on, especially in a relationship, and he also has to be my boyfriend and partner in life.
“He’s certainly going to be helping and guiding me through that and with myself at the helm and Mark and Thomas helping me through that cycle of guidance and planning.”
Ultimately, the end of her Paris dream has stoked her drive even more for another four years.
“I will say how it finished has given me extra fire in my belly for this next Olympic cycle. So it didn’t change my goal but the fuel has certainly enhanced.”