“Would you rather the world was on fire or filled with water? Would you rather be younger or older? Mammy, how old is Santa?”
No two nights were the same but you could rest assured that each one would be filled with some of the world’s most unanswerable questions. And it seems I wasn’t alone; I had friends, family and neighbours all face the same battle of endless questions, hand-holding and failed get-away attempts most nights. For most of us, it had become routine and we accepted this as our lot for now because surely it wouldn’t last forever. And while we’d never deny our children this reassurance, there are times we might extend it begrudgingly.
“I just want five minutes to myself” I’d mutter crossly, just loud enough so they’d hear.
Play therapist and life coach, Megan Crowe explains why we need to look a little closer at these bedtime behaviours as opposed to resentfully falling into their beds beside them every night hoping they will eventually just “grow out of it.”
Bedtime — what’s happening?
Silence — possibly for the first time in the day as our heads hit the pillow and, with that, comes the busyness of our thoughts, which for some children Crowe says can feel overwhelming:
“It is understandable that in today’s society where children are constantly on the go, rarely having time to experience boredom, that there might be a struggle with being still.”
Without opportunity throughout the day to process our thoughts and feelings, it’s only natural that they build up at bedtime. For children, Crowe advises, “it’s important to have moments of stillness and relaxation within their day so that bedtime feels familiar creating less “brain noise”.
A lot of this bedtime resistance comes from a fear of disconnecting, reckons Crowe:
“Sleep is when our unconscious minds come into action which accounts for 95% of our brain processes including how we feel, act and experience the world.
“Individuals may resist sleep if there are any unprocessed feelings, encouraging a subconscious fight or flight. For children, this might result in a ‘second wind’ as a way of protecting themselves from disconnecting from their parents when they sleep and processing what is unconscious.”
This disconnection, while healthy and appropriate, can feel difficult for a child. This might manifest as a request for another story, a long list of questions or several toilet trips. But, as Crowe says, “the subconscious focus from each of these interactions is connection.” This is where creating resistance or expressing frustration with our seemingly tireless child only serves to exacerbate things.
Helping a child disconnect may aid their restful sleep
The highly sensitive child
For some children, the transition into dreamland is seamless. For the highly sensitive person (HSP) though, a term coined by Dr Elaine Aron, there might be further reluctance. This relates to how a person perceives the world around them.
A HSP tends to think on a deeper level which can prompt more questions and worries. As Crowe says “Some parents might reference how their child is an ‘old soul’ or how ‘they have been here before’, indicating a desire to question and understand more.”
This would stack with my own six-year-old who seemed attuned to everything around him — sights, sounds, smells — and an empathetic nature that would leave him always wondering about how others felt.
This experience would also ring true for Nicola whose daughter, now 12, still relies on her to calm her frantic mind in the evenings:
“She just can’t seem to switch off and it’s only when someone’s there that she seems able to relax and drift off. It doesn’t have to be me but she needs another person there. She’s always been a worrier and this just seemed to be an extension of this. I’ve just accepted this as our way of life for now.”
Sarah, whose daughter is six, also struggles with their bedtime routine:
“Holly is the child who asks intense questions at bedtime and all her worries and fears can come out too. She doesn’t switch off. I usually fall asleep in the bed with her or my little boy while trying to get them to sleep. I have zero time to myself.”
Invisible resistance
For the majority of the parents Crowe has worked with she says, “their primary focus of bedtime is ‘to get some peace and quiet’ but this expectation can create an invisible resistance towards what our children need from us which is us — present in this moment.”
This might present as frustration or dismissal: “just go to sleep.” Parents might find this effective but Crowe cautions that this can lead to children suppressing their feelings.
“Furthermore”, says Crowe “when a parent uses fear to control their child’s behaviours, this creates an emotional threat of disconnection from their parent. And to ensure that they stay connected, this might mean the child will learn to disregard their own needs to meet the needs of their parent, creating an imbalanced power dynamic that the parents’ needs are more important than the children’s.”
And for those parents, who decide to stay with their children all night, resentment can start to build affecting other areas of their lives such as relationships with partners or their self-care.
We’re all aware of that expression about pouring from an empty cup.
Boundaries
Crowe views empathetic boundaries as bridging the gap; where a child feels heard and, most importantly, the connection they seek but everyone’s rest is also prioritised.
“Holding the boundary at bedtime can look like, ‘I know at bedtime your brain has a lot of questions to ask me but it’s my job to keep you healthy and safe, which means having plenty of sleep for the new day tomorrow. You can ask me two questions and I will try my best to answer them’.”
By giving the child a clear, kind and empathetic boundary, you are working with your child, instead of against them. You are sending a clear message that their needs are important.
Crowe warns that, “If a boundary is used with the element of fear such as anger, silencing, or threats, this is not a boundary; it is disconnecting from your child and their needs which will encourage the child to repress their needs in order to maintain connection.”
She urges us to tune in with our own emotions. If you are starting to feel dysregulated, check in with your body and try to use your breath. You can also try reframing your thoughts from ‘why can’t they just give me a break’ to ‘my child needs me’ and imagining what you will do when your child has fallen asleep, taking your focus off what you don’t want.
This won’t last forever
Parents often rely on this statement — including myself. And it’s true, these early parenting experiences won’t last forever. Crowe reminds us though that we need to be able to enjoy this part of our lives and if our bedtime routines are causing distress or frustration, it is likely that your child is feeling this too which only serve to create further disconnection.
There are simple things we can all try such as good sleep hygiene, scheduling in some time for questions and reflection during the day, and simple breathing techniques to promote relaxation. She adds “there is only so much as a parent we can do to resolve and soothe our child’s anxiety. If this becomes unmanageable, it is important to reach out to a professional for support.”