Automotive accessories have long been a profit centre for dealers and OEMs eager to cash in on owners’ enthusiasm for their rides. Moving beyond the floor mats, decals, and tow hitches that typically dominated the add-on catalogue, however, the overwhelming popularity of factory-built off-road machinery has punched up the accessory game to previously-unseen levels.
Today, you can drive home in an SUV or pickup that is festooned with snorkels, ladders, cargo boxes, winches, auxiliary lighting, spare tires, fuel carriers, and more. While it’s hard to argue that hitting the trail over-prepared is a bad thing, the reality is most of these Mad Max-inspired survival rigs will spend much of their time rolling over asphalt rather than desert wash or boulder-strewn canyon.
What happens to these expeditionary add-ons when they’re exposed to the very different grind — and inherent risks — of urban life? How well does this attention-grabbing gear fare when dealing with the slings and arrows of suburbia? I drove a pair of well-equipped adventure-mobiles to gauge my confidence in the survivability of their super-accessories when up against the sadly predictable trials and tribulations of civilization.
The Jeep Wrangler Rubicon winch Warn(ing)
Jeep has been in the accessory game a long time, and this has given it a much greater period to reflect on how to keep popular models like the Wrangler from being picked over by city-dwelling vultures. This is particularly true of the Wrangler Rubicon 4xe model, which comes with a pair of “must-have” extras for any serious off-roader or post-apocalyptic cosplayer.
The first is a factory-installed Warn winch, the top choice of lone wolves everywhere who plan on bugging out by themselves and therefore need the insurance policy of a self-tow should they get in over their axles while traipsing across some high muddy lonesome. Of course, a winch is also a key component of the social safety net for more community-oriented off-roaders willing to lend a helping hand in sticky situations.
It’s honestly very difficult to figure out how the Warn setup could backfire on city streets. Integrated into a steel bumper, there’s virtually no way to damage or deform it without backing a Brinks truck over the Wrangler’s front end. Good luck cutting that cable, too, unless you’re bringing a concrete saw to the party.
Urban Survivability Rating: 10/10
Where to buy: Amazon | Walmart
Spare my tire, please
The same aura of invulnerability can’t be applied to the Wrangler’s externally-mounted spare tire. In an era where the unwashed hoards are willing to slide under a truck and sawzall off its catalytic converter for easy cash, how likely is it that a pricey all-terrain tire mounted on an unblemished rim won’t also be a target? Especially since hitting up four parked Rubicons in a row makes a full set that can be easily disposed of on Facebook marketplace.
Sure, there are anti-theft measures that can be brought to bear, but lug locks are only as good as the tool kit being brought to bear against them. Then there’s the vandalism concern: if someone driving a Jeep similar to yours cuts someone else off in traffic, your ride might be a target for a visitation from the sidewall-stabbing fairy as it slumbers beside the sidewalk overnight.
Urban Survivability Rating: 5/10
Where to buy: Amazon | Walmart
Box it up
The Land Rover Defender is the poster child for what can be achieved when the full force of an accessories list is brought to bear. With its crosshairs squarely focused on the extroverted-overlanding axis, ticking the boxes at ordering time can load up this sport-utility with a host of impossible-to-ignore outdoor equipment.
For those who feel the interior storage of the long-wheelbase Defender 130 is just a little too safe, Land Rover offers an exterior locker that gloms onto the greenhouse like a parachute pack strapped to the back of an airborne ranger. Popping it open reveals a small ledge into which you can stuff a few small items, along with a net for keeping things from bouncing around too much.
This little lift-up storage box locks, but it’s also made entirely out of plastic. You wouldn’t want to keep anything of value inside — I suspect it exists so you can schlep dirty clothes and wet boots after a hike without muddying up the Land Rover’s interior — but the problem is, on a city street a would-be thief won’t know what’s inside of it until they’ve splintered it open with a hammer or jimmy’d the lock with a screwdriver.
Urban Survivability Rating: 5/10
Where to buy: Amazon
Roof top real estate
The long-roof Defender provides exceptional up-top rack space, which is perfect for those who plan to camp above the fray and avoid a potential swamp situation due to overnight rain.
In order to access this high-altitude real-estate, the vehicle incorporates a ladder that’s built into the driver’s side C-pillar. Using a simple key mechanism similar to that of the opposite-side storage bin, this ladder drops down to effectively double in size, giving you a firm foothold on your way up to the penthouse.
Is it possible that vandals would truck with the ladder out of boredom or curiosity while your Defender occupies the far reaches of a big box store? I don’t really think so — why bother fussing with the lock when they can just clamber up the side like the limber teenage hooligans they are? Yes, the ladder does offer easy access to idiots who want to roof-stomp your ride, but there’s not much you can do about anyone that determined to mess with your rack.
Urban Survivability Rating: 7/10
Where to buy: Amazon
Spare tire shield
The last item of interest on the Defender 130 I drove is, of course, its external spare tire kit. Unlike the Jeep Wrangler, however, Land Rover has wrapped the extra rubber in a plastic protector that adds an extra step for anyone keen on making away with the fifth wheel.
I might have derided the Defender’s side-pod storage unit for its equally-plastic countenance, but the spare is another story. The more barriers you can put between a thief and their prize, the more likely they are to move on to another, softer target (like, say, the Wrangler across the street). This cover, as annoying as it might be to deal with when you have a puncture out on the trail, is worth the hassle in terms of the protection it provides from opportunistic ne’er-do-wells.
Urban Survivability Rating: 9/10
Where to buy: Amazon | Walmart
Park inside to protect from the (criminal) elements
There’s not much you can do if someone decides they want to fill your snorkel full of sand, or stuff a McDonald’s bag into your hood scoop, or, well, set up an al fresco Hilton on top of your truck overnight. Push a million or so people into city limits, add a dash of closing-time crazy and nothing-else-to-do after-school energy and you probably won’t be surprised at the outlets human beings will find for creative destruction involving other people’s property. These rigs are built to survive the worst that Mother Nature can throw their way, but the creativity of a determined thief or simply neighbourhood kids with too much time on their hands is an entirely different threat profile.
Owning an accessorized off-road SUV does put you at risk for more than your fair share of problems when parking in the urban and suburban wilds. Not only does the more aggressive look of your vehicle attract extra attention, but those dongles and tempting doodads can be easily snatched, smashed, or otherwise messed with, leaving you with a pricy repair bill and potential downtime as you try to replace the gear that’s gone missing. If you can’t park indoors, you might want to dismount and save these items for the next off-road excursion — and if you never plan to ford anything deeper than a pothole puddle, maybe skip over them during the order process.
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